Experience and Thriving
This series of blogs is taken from articles by Charles Debelak in the Birchwood School of Hawken's Clipboard during the 2013-14 school year. The purpose of Mr. Debelak's Clipboard articles is to provide parents with information about sound educational principles and child development issues gleaned from history, contemporary research, and Mr. Debelak's 40+ years educating, coaching, and counseling children, young adults, and parents.
While we hold many aspirations for our children, I remain convinced that if we teach our children how to thrive in any circumstance, how to grasp new opportunities, how to struggle through any adversity, or how to rise up to any challenge, they will have the tools to grow, blossom, overcome, and find personal fulfillment in the 21st century. Being able to thrive simply means children have cultivated the habits and attitudes to profit and grow from any situation that life throws at them.
I believe thriving is so important because it is universally applicable. It transcends personal or environmental limitations. It transcends having privileged or underprivileged circumstances. Its power subordinates intellectual or talent advantages. If we give our children the tools for thriving, we will have done our utmost to prepare them for their future.
The capacity to thrive is built upon attitudes and habits nurtured over time. As we have discussed, it begins with the language of thriving. Language, whether through lessons, stories or real-life examples, inspires the heart and educates the conscience. The language of thriving is like a seed of virtue that informs and internally directs a child’s life.
In order for children to become thriving young adults, language needs the complement of experience. Through experience, the language of thriving is forged into habits and attitudes. Whereas language creates awareness and aspiration for thriving, experience makes thriving a habit. Combined, they create character, a disposition whose direction and effort in life is to grow, produce and profit others.
In previous essays, we focused on language and how it fosters thriving. Now we will look at how experiences can shape the habits and attitudes of thriving.
Toward this effort, there are three realizations that parents and educators should have. First, children have an innate drive to thrive. They want to grow, mature, blossom, and become everything that they are capable of becoming. When children are learning or achieving or overcoming they are alive and vibrant. They are developing self-worth and confidence.
The second realization parents and teachers need is that children do not like the process of learning how to thrive! This is because they have another innate drive – one that psychology calls entropy, the tendency to “preserve energy,” to do as little as possible, therefore living for immediate gratification and following the path of least resistance. When children succumb to this drive, they don’t grow well, and they squander their talents. Unfortunately, this drive toward dissipation is the natural tendency. Unless there is adult intervention that guides children toward a higher plane of life, children invariably walk the easiest path. The problem is obvious. Parents want their children to learn how to thrive, and at one level, children also desire to thrive, yet at the same time a child’s natural preference is to do as little as possible and to squander whatever he or she has.
This internal dichotomy is striking – an innate longing to thrive coupled with an innate force toward dissipation. Which drive wins? That depends upon the environment, and that environment is shaped primarily by parents and supported by educators. This environment, composed of positive language and training, is a bridge that connects innate potential to a thriving character. It forges the development of good work habits and productive attitudes. If you take away this positive influence, the drive toward dissipation will almost always win out. In most children it is a much more powerful drive.
This brings us to the third realization. While parents hope their children will learn how to thrive, they may not appreciate that the onus of this burden will fall on their own shoulders. Before children develop the habits of thriving, parents must recognize it will be their own sacrifice and perseverance that will make this happen. Remember, although children by nature desire to thrive, they do not like the process of learning how to thrive. Don’t be surprised if they fight against your every effort. When you teach them self-control, hard work or responsibility, they will resent your lessons and they will resent your discipline. When you attempt to explain why they should delay personal gratification, they might accuse you of being mean, or they may even tell others that you are a bad parent.
Do you want your children to thrive? Get ready for a long battle. Navigating between the two internal drives will require wisdom, patience and dedication.
From the May 2014 Birchwood Clipboard
