Envisioning and Working Toward a Future

Most of the year we are so busy, it is hard to catch our breath and keep our heads above water, much less ponder the needs and directions we hope to establish for our children. Time constraints force us to be reactionary and not deliberate. 

But winter break gives us time to think, and I would suggest asking one important question, “What kind of person do I hope my child will be when he or she enters adulthood?”  

Of course, I don’t merely mean their appearance, nor a description of their accomplishments in school or in extracurricular activities. Nor am I alluding to what college they will attend or what profession they might enter. Though these are important objectives, none of these aspirations, in and of themselves, will lead to a life of fulfillment and enduring happiness. The objectives I mention here are related to character and sense of purpose. 

A deeper, more revealing question might be, “What kind of person will my son or daughter be when they leave home and embark on their life’s journey?” Pondering such questions may help hone our parenting efforts, aligning actions with aspirations.   

Reflection is important because without a vision, you will often find that parenting decisions are reactive, not proactive. They are made ad hoc, without purpose. Those decisions lead to experiences that will not accumulate to a child’s collective knowledge of how to live well. Through childhood and adolescence, children are constructing their own belief system and their own vision of living well. This creation is the result of their experiences, both personal and vicarious. To this end, parents can play a vital role in addressing both, but parental practical and productive involvement requires forethought through reflection. 

Here are a few questions you can begin with: 

What kind of work habits will my children have? Will they know how to be responsible toward themselves, others and their work? Will they possess attitudes of growth and excellence in their fields of work, always trying to improve? Will they know how to work with others? Will they know how to engage with others from different backgrounds and perspectives? Will they know how to make good friends and keep them? Will they understand and appreciate the value of family and make family an important part of how they live their life in the future?

There are many other questions you might want to ask that reflect your family and culture. But we ask these questions to help us frame a vision for our children’s growth and development. If you start with a vision, you can work backwards and consider the instruction and the experiences your children will need so that you can help them be the best person possible. 

As an educator, a parent, and a grandparent, I cannot imagine a more sober responsibility in life than to cultivate beautiful children. It should be our most serious concern. If you ask, “What is an appropriate vision?” It is something you must conclude for yourself. I believe you have seen enough of life, and you know enough history, to know what qualities and attributes you want your children to possess. Consider and reflect upon them.  Shape a vision that drives, controls, and motivates your parenting. Be proactive. 

This article was written by Birchwood’s Head of School Charles Debelak and appears in this month’s Westlake Neighbors magazine. Mr. Debelak’s writing provides parents with information about sound educational principles and child development issues gleaned from history, contemporary research, and his 50+ years of educating, coaching, and counseling children, young adults, and parents.