Parenting for Character: Humility and Gratitude (2)

I noted last blog that one reason for teaching humility is that humility functions as a balance for a child’s ego. Now remember, a child’s ego is a good thing. It is important to develop a child’s ego because the ego represents a child’s drive to succeed and achieve. The ego, which I would call the human drive and desire to establish who we are and what we can do, reaches toward competency and self-worth. It is our natural energy to find meaning in our lives, to build positive relationships with others, and to forge a pathway toward realizing a life of fulfillment.

Yet at the same time, the ego is prone to block its own growth. When the ego becomes a self-absorbed ego then it becomes arrogant, smug, self-satisfied, narrow minded, judgmental, and dismissive of anyone or anything that does not comport with its definition of the world. The same ego that empowers us for success and achievement, can easily become the small-minded ego that undermines our aspirations for growth and development, and ruins our chances for harmonious relationships with others.

Teaching Humility
Teaching humility begins when we explain to children that they are part of a whole. It begins when we explain to them that they are not the center of the world. In fact, who they are, what they are, and what they do, always has a context, and children need to recognize and accept that context. Because only in their awareness and understanding of this context will their self-serving ego be balanced. It is in a child’s understanding of how they should be related to others and how they should behave themselves in light of the rules, regulations, and protocols of the social context, that their self-serving ego can be subordinated, and they will be positioned to learn and contribute.

Living and working within a context, children develop the habit of asking themselves, “Who am I in this context and what is my role? What are the rules, regulations, and accepted behaviors in this setting? To whom shall I listen? Toward what ends should I behave.”

As children accept their responsibilities within a context, children are postured to learn. Instead of finding ways to exercise their own ego for their own purposes, they seek ways to be a productive member of the whole. This mindset not only makes children a positive influence within this context, but also positions them to learn from the group as a whole and from each individual in the group. To a certain degree, humility is the beginning of true learning.

Humility at School
Success or failure in my classrooms often revolves around this little dynamic. If children accept their role as student and learner, they make excellent progress. But if children in my class are looking for opportunities to exercise their self-absorbed, pleasure seeking ego, if they let themselves be occupied and distracted with their own interests, or if instead of studying and working they prefer to socialize and play, their progress will be limited. On the contrary, if they can assume an attitude of humility – understanding that they are part of a classroom, a learning environment, a place to grow and succeed – there is almost no limit to the progress they can make. A child who has cultivated this simple habit of humility is eager to learn, to ask questions, to do their best work, and is even eager for their work to be adjusted by their teacher so that they can be a successful student – a student who is growing in self-confidence and self-worth.

by Charles Debelak
From the 2018 May Birchwood School of Hawken Clipboard